Title: Roundelay IV: Triptych

Author: Jewels

Email: castaliath@yahoo.com

Rating: PG-13

Category: Drama, Angst, SMR

Series/Season: Fourth in Roundelay series, obviously set before 'Between Two Fires'.

Spoilers: None.

Archive: Anywhere that already has my fics, my site. Anyone else, please ask first.

Summary: The final part of the Roundelay series, from the points of view of Martouf, Narim and Samantha.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. They're not mine, never have been mine, even though I wish they were.

Notes: See Jewels type. See Jewels type and type and type and finally cry, "It's done, it's finished! It's finally over!!!!" This is for everyone who's pleaded and begged for me to continue. I love you all.

**

Part One: Martouf

**

Tollana, it has to be said, is a rather lovely world. I know the reason for this, of course; the weather control net they have in place in orbit of their world regulates the weather, never giving too much rain, or too little, ensuring picturesque days at exactly the comfortable level required for the Human population of the world.

And so it's always seemed to me to be artificial. It's lovely, but in every way it is looked at, hints at how things have been altered and forced into a pattern by technology is apparent - the borders of gardens, the structures of the trees, how rock faces curve around their buildings in a deceptively natural pattern.

Although the Tok'ra are, frankly, envious of their technological prowess. If we could create Chaapaai's at will, we would have less of a problem with hiding from a Goa'uld. We could go to an uninhabited, uncharted world, and set up our homeworld there. And they seemed to be able to find us with little effort when they wanted us. It was something that concerned the high Council greatly, and all envoys dispatched to Tollana in the future were ordered to try and figure out how exactly they were able to locate us with such ease.

As yet, no one has been able to find out.

But that was not our primary purpose in coming. When Jacob/Selmak, Erinye and I stepped out of the Chaapaai, it was evident what sort of stir our arrival caused. Several people at the edge of the courtyard housing the Stargate looked over at us, two of them running away quickly, obviously sent to find someone.

'Or warn someone of our arrival,' Lantash murmured to me, in that soft mental voice that is so different from the voice I hear when he speaks with my voice. It's almost sonorous in quality, gently reverberating in my mind almost soothingly. Except when he is agitated, of course, and then a burr enters his voice that could give me a headache if he did not regulate my perception of pain.

'Pessimist,' I said to him in return, but did not bother claiming any sort of optimistic feelings on my part. To do so to one who shared my thoughts would have been pointless.

"Ok, this is the plan." Jacob was already striding off the platform atop which the Stargate stood, his head turning to left and right as he took in the surroundings. I fell into step behind him almost immediately, and after a brief hesitation, Erinye followed, looking somewhat unnerved. "We go in. We get a new signalling device, we find Sam. Any questions?"

"How do we plan to do this?" I ask, unable to keep silent under such prompting, having to increase the length of my stride to keep up with the hurried pace Jacob was setting. Thus, I almost walked straight past him when he stopped dead and turned around, looking to Erinye.

"Why don't we ask her?"

Erinye has always been a subject of unspoken respect among the Tok'ra. Someone who survived the death of her symbiote, someone who followed the dictates of her conscience and held her friends in such high regard she would risk all for them - as evidenced by how she had helped Samantha - but it is never spoken of. It is inappropriate for people to feel respect for her when she has disobeyed the Council so much. So it is not spoken of. And unlike many of the Tok'ra, I do not speak of it, because I do not share it.

But as she stood there, raising her chin defiantly, I did feel a smidgin of respect for her standing by her principles; however the feeling from Lantash was one of overwhelming contempt.

"I will not cooperate." She said firmly, glaring at Jacob as if attempting to stare him down.

Jacob didn't respond, he just turned around and headed for the edge of the courtyard, where quite a crowd had gathered. He moved so quickly I had to hurry in order to catch up with him. A crowd of the mainly grey and silver attired Tollans stood in a huddle, whispering amongst themselves, before silencing and turning to face us as we drew closer.

"Honoured members of the Tok'ra," A woman near the front, rather small boned and delicate in form, spoke up, her voice as thin and reedy as she appeared to be herself. "We were not expecting your presence. We have summoned a representative from the Curia who will be arriving shortly."

"We've had a problem with the signalling device you provided us with." Jacob said, forgoing his usual diplomatic introduction of self, I noticed.

'He's agitated. As are we.' Lantash commented acerbically.

The woman held up her hands. "My apologies, Tok'ra. But I am not the one you need to see about this. I am not one of those you seek and know nothing of the workings of your signalling device. I am simply an artisan. As are we all here."

That made me take a mental step back, looking at each of the members of the group, and seeing the wall behind them; it was very obviously incomplete, a work in progress, and seemed to depict a scene from a word that did not appear to be Tollana (it was far too mountainous and rocky), a mural that spread over a good deal of the wall of the courtyard in which the Chaapa'ai stood.

'I see it.' Lantash murmured to me after a moment. He shared with me his insights. It was only partially painted, but the body of the mural seemed to be sketched out. From what we could tell between us, it seemed to depict the circumstances that lead to the Tollan's evacuation of their original homeworld, their travel, and their arrival at their new world. Something I would have found amusing at the time had I not been preoccupied with other matters, was that near the very end was what appeared to be the Chaapa'ai symbol for the Tau'ri homeworld.

Fascinating.

Jacob just looked annoyed however, and did not seem to have noticed the artistic feat. "Well then, who /do/ we talk to?"

"Can I assist you?" Came a soft voice from behind us. It startled Lantash and I, who had been engrossed in examining the half-painted walls.

I whirled around entirely too quickly than Lantash deemed 'appropriate' at the time (he has the idea that we should appear to be cool and under control at all times, even when faced in adversity - there has been many an occasion when Lantash has performed the mental equivalent of gagging me so I do not speak my frustration... and vice versa).

There were two Tollan standing behind us, one of whom I recognised from previous visits to that world. The man I knew as Narim, but the woman, a rather diminuitive dark haired Tollan female in a grey jumpsuit with an unfamiliar symbol over her heart, was unfamiliar, and held in her hands a half-eaten piece of food, as if she had been pulled away from her meal. Which she could have been, for all I knew, or she might have simply have been eating a snack.

"Jacob, host to Selmak," Narim inclined his head curteously. "You honour us with your presence."

"I'm sure." Jacob said, in an uncharacteristically caustic fashion. I could almost taste Lantash's disapproval in my mouth. Perhaps that was why Selmak chose at that moment to take over dominance of their body, tilting his chin upwards to address Narim archly. "We come here for a purpose." He held out his hand towards Erinye, who handed the damaged transmitter to him with a sullen expression that Selmak could not see. "Our transmitter has been damaged. As you know, we use it to communicate with the Tau'ri over great distances, and have been out of contact now for several days."

"I see." Narim said, extending his hand cautiously towards Selmak, as if worrying that it might get bitten off. Although from Jacob's reception of his greeting, that was probably a legitimate worry. Selmak placed the device in the palm of his hand, and Lantash nearly snickered in our mind as Narim almost dropped it, obviously not expecting it to be so heavy. "Osarena?"

At first I wondered if he were addressing us in his language, but then the woman behind him looked up from quietly staring at her food, probably devouting wishing she could devour it instead of standing politely. He held out the device to her, and she took it, trying not to drop her food as she turned it over to examine it.

"What did you /do/ to it?" She asked in a peeved tone that Lantash and I knew well. It is the same tone that the Technologists use on us when we return from a mission with a piece of supposedly indestructable piece of equipment being reduced to little more than a pile of circuits. Lantash often marvels at how engineers can put so much disdain for non-technical people into a simple question.

"Someone dropped a tunnel on it." Erinye said, for the first time in the discussion.

It was then I noticed Narim had been staring at Erinye rather oddly, while we were all distracted by the handing over of the crystallised device.

Osarena blinked, looked utterly befuddled. "How do you do that?" she asked.

"That is unimportant at present." Narim said abruptly, giving the woman a hard look. It was obviously meant to convey something for a look of comprehension came over her features after a moment. "Go to the technical centre and inform them that the Tok'ra are here and require a new receiver." The words were so firmly spoken, so obvious in containing a hidden meaning that I knew my eyes narrowed, and I heard Lantash hissing in the back of my mind.

"Um... of course." Osarena said, quickly leaving the scene before anything further could be addressed to her.

Narim turned back towards us, flashing a diplomatic smile that I recognised too well. It's one I have employed a thousand times after Lantash's irascibility have unnerved those we encounter (especially the Tau'ri). It's one that I, personally, do not trust. "This will not take long at all. Perhaps you would like to partake of something to eat? It is around the midday meal for us-"

Jacob cut him off before he could continue with his information. "There's something else we came here to discuss." he said, having retaken control from Selmak. "My daughter."

Narim gave him such a look of calculated naivety that Lantash and I both wanted to say something rather sharp and unrepeatable in polite company. "I'm sorry?"

"Samantha Carter." I supplied, Lantash assisting me in unclamping my jaw muscles so that I did not grate the words out between my teeth. "A woman from the Tau'ri. She saved your life once, I understand."

"Samantha Carter is your daughter?" Narim echoed, glancing back towards Jacob.

"Yes. And we know she is here." Jacob said, giving Narim a hard look.

"You must be mistaken." Narim said quickly. "As far as I know, she is on the Tau'ri."

"Do not insult our intelligence." Selmak snapped, eyes flashing in ire. "We know she is here. Take us to her."

Narim was silent for a long moment, then his eyes slid towards the artisans, who were standing at a distance, but were obviously listening with great interest. I closed my eyes briefly, imagining the whole of the Tollan city knowing of our reasons for coming within a few hours. If such were the case, Samantha would quickly hear about us also, and if she were determined to evade us, would flee.

Or perhaps not. The Tollan capital is a large city, and she might have decided she could stay lost within it.

"This is not the proper place for such a discussion-" he started in a low voice, obviously intending on keeping the matter private.

"We will discuss this now." Selmak said implacably.

There was another pause in which Narim glanced at Erinye, who held up her head as regally as Lantash or I have ever seen her. Then he sighed. "If you know she is here then you know she has no desire to have any contact with the Tok'ra."

"Then she is here." Lantash had taken advantage of my distraction to assume control of my voice. I do not mind as much as you might think. We have been blended so long that him assuming control to voice thoughts we both possess does not bother me as much as it did when we were newly blended. "Where?"

"I will not tell you." Narim said, softly, but with a core of steel behind his words. "You must know that."

"Fine." Jacob again. "We can stay here for a while. What do you say, Lantash?" I found myself nodding in concurrence with Jacob's words.

"We can return you to the Stargate by force if necessary." Narim said, his words starting to sound sharper.

"Would you jepardise our friendship with one another?" Jacob said, raising his chin and holding Narim's gaze for a long moment.

It was Narim who caved first, as I knew he would. He gave a quick glance towards the artisans. "Miri."

Miri was the woman, it seemed, who had spoken to us upon our arrival. She hadn't expected to be addressed, to judge by her inarticulate "Eh?" as a response.

"Show our Tok'ra 'guests'," Narim stressed the word, implying that we were only staying on his say so. Which was, indeed, the case. "To temporary accomodation." He returned his gaze to Jacob. "Rest assured I will speak to the Curia about this matter."

Jacob seemed to accept that, and nodded curtly as the uncomfortably thin woman hurried up to us, gesturing along one carefully tiled walkway. "Follow me, please." she said and started down the path without checking to see if we were following.

As we left, I turned back to see Erinye and Narim exchange a long, meaningful look, before the woman turned away, fixing her cold and hard gaze upon me as she saw my attention.

I left control of our shared form to Lantash, and tried not to think too deeply about what we were intending to do.

**

The Tollan accomodations seemed to suffer from an overabundance of draperies. They covered every available wall space in swathes of translucent white cloth, while the bright late-afternoon sunshine that filtered through the windows was muted somewhat by the material hung before those same windows. There was a main area with two large couches and a low table, with artfully arranged dried flowers sitting in a vase upon its surface, and off the main room were three smaller ones that were to serve as sleeping areas.

Erinye designated one as her own within seconds of arriving, disappearing inside and not re-emerging. Jacob did, however, check on her on more than one occasion to make sure she wasn't trying to escape. Lantash commented that it was a dire thing we could not trust one of our own not to walk out and abandon us for fear of betrayal, and I couldn't help but agree.

It was upon his coming back from on of these checks that I phrased the question that Lantash and I had been passing back and forth between our minds, each hoping that the other would come up with a reasonable response to it.

"What are we going to do if we find Samantha?"

Jacob paused in his pacing, which he had taken to doing in between the windows and the table, agitated. It was not as if we could not leave our rooms, the Tollan were fairly lax in that regard, but in truth: where would we go?

Jacob hesitated a moment before answering, an oddly vacant look in his eyes indicating he was conversing with his symbiote before he spoke. "I... don't know." he finally answered. "I guess I just want to make sure she's okay."

I nodded. "Agreed."

Jacob suddenly, and abruptly, sat down on one of the low slung couch, hands clasped loosely in his lap. The posture reminded me so instantly of Sarouche that it was obvious that Selmak had her influence in causing him to take his seat.

'Doubtless,' Lantash murmured into my mind. 'Selmak has grown as weary of Jacob's incessant pacing as I.'

Lantash has never been a particularly tolerant individual.

The late afternoon slid on into early evening, and very little of note happened. The four of us tried to take each others' minds off why exactly we were here by talking of matters of the Tok'ra, speaking in vague terms for fear of listening devices in the room, and going over between us certain low-importance information that had been discussed among the Council before it had become necessary to come to Tollana.

But it was only, as Jacob termed it, 'busy talk'; something to keep our minds off unplesant thoughts. Although every few minutes, it seemed, my thoughts turned to Samantha. Why had she been so desperate to get away from the Tok'ra? Why was so she reluctant to speak to us? Did we frighten her... did we /digust/ her that much?

What had happened to that wonderful, kind, strong soul I knew as Samantha?

Erinye appeared a couple of times during this time. She would reenter the room, refuse all efforts to get her into the conversation (although, privately, Lantash and I were glad she kept silent: we were still somewhat angry with her for keeping silent as to Samantha's location), standing by the window and looking out on the Tollan city, and then she would return to her room. The only time she deviated from that was when she picked up a ripe looking fruit from a bowl by the wall, taking a bite of it before returning to her isolation.

We were, in fact, so intent on talking of non-consequential things, that when a chime came from the door, both Selmak and I jumped, distracting us from our discussion of the food shortage on Tal-Chan. Selmak headed for the door to open it, while I followed close behind. Embarrassingly, it took several moments to work out the mechanism for opening it. Said mechanism was rather non-intuitive, and was hidden behind a drape near the door.

When Selmak finally managed to open the door, it revealed the woman Narim had addressed as Osarena was standing in the doorway, hands thrust into deep pockets in her somewhat overly functional jumpsuit. Unlike the rest of Tollan garments, it was practical to the extreme (unlike the mainly ornamental clothes that they all seemed to prefer, with floating parts that could catch and snag) and there was a symbol of some sort attached to her overalls above her heart; a stylised Chaapa'ai symbol contained with a blue circle. Blue edging was also visible on her cuffs and her collar. She looked somewhat unsettled, glancing from side to side every few seconds as if expecting someone to appear from nowhere and catch her in the act of doing something illegal.

"Can we help you?" Selmak said, arching an eyebrow at the young Tollan woman.

"Um..." Osarena's eyes flicked to the side once more before she returned all her attention to Selmak and I. "Actually. It's more a case of 'can /I/ help you'."

I opened my mouth to try and respond to that confusing statement, but the Tollan woman spoke again.

"Would you like to come and eat something on the main concord? It's getting late and you must be hungry."

Selmak shook his head, getting ready to dismiss the woman's invitation. "That is unnecessary, but thank you for your offer."

Selmak moved to close the door, but Osarena managed to jam the edge of her rather clunky boots underneath the edge of the door, and that in combination with her outstretched hand was enough to stop the motion of the door. "Really." she said, an edge entering her voice. "I think it would be a good idea to eat. It's such a social event. Almost /everyone/ will be there."

The emphasis she placed on the words made Selmak and I pause, and Lantesh swept over my consciousness to turn a rather piercing gaze on the Tollan. Such a thing is a very bizarre sensation, all things told. "Why are you doing this for us?" he asked her, in something of a more accusatory tone than I would have used. I told him as much. He ignored me.

Osarena withdrew her hand, and shrugged as she returned it to its position deep within her hip pocket. "Like I said. You must be hungry."

**

The main concord of the section of the Tollan city we were residing in, I discovered, was one that mainly serviced the science district. Those who designed the technology of the Tollan, and those who used that technology. For some reason, there was a curious split between the Tollans who were already there, sitting at tables with their food in the early evening open air, conversing between themselves. There were those attired in the floaty and impractical garments that were heavily worn by most Tollan the Tok'ra had come into contact with, and there were those garbed as Osarena was. When my curiosity got the better of me and I asked Osarena why this way, her face twisted bitterly and she looked as if the food she was tasting was sour, as opposed to the bland repast it was.

"People like me... well, we're the lowest of the low." she said, in something of a disgusted tone.

'Presumably,' Lantash murmured, as he picked up a similar thought in my own mind. 'Disgusted with her own people's opinion of her.'

"We do all the drudge work." Osarena continue, stabbing her two-pronged fork into the one piece of colour that had come from the food slots that she had taken our meals from, something that tasted vaguely like a vegetable. "We're the ones that crawl around in the bowls of the machines, in the conduits and in between the walls. You have to wear practical clothing for that. We keep the machines going that allow the rest of the planet to live so comfortably."

And she stabbed her food so viciously that it broke apart, and neither Lantash nor I felt compelled to continue the conversation.

Things continued in that way for a time. One of the four of us would attempt some avenue of conversation, but Osarena would react so sullenly that all words would quickly dry up and we were reduced to eating in silence. Erinye had been asked if she wanted to come and join us for the meal, but had dourly replied (in rather dubious language) what she would rather be doing than eating. Sufficed to say, we were somewhat glad that Osarena had decided not to push the issue with her, simply insisting that Jacob and I come to eat with her.

Things continued in that manner of little conversation for nearly an hour. Jacob and I had finished our food, but Osarena was picking at her food, clearly wanting to drag it out as long as possible. We had guessed that she had wanted us here for a reason, and so we made not attempt to leave. Not yet anyway.

Finally, after that hour had passed, the little grey panel (which I had mistaken for a piece of simple decoration) with two green circles on it that was affixed to Osarena's left cuff chirped and she tapped it to silence the alarm. She looked up towards the entrance of the main concord that we had entered through originally, and simply said, "Look."

At first, I couldn't tell who she was looking at. A large group of Tollan, in the more elaborate garb, had all entered the concord at the same time. Eventually, it was Lantash who spotted what Osarena had intended us to see. There were a pair, male and female, near the back of the crowd, who kept their heads somewhat lowered as they entered the room. It was the flash of blonde that gave them away; the Tollan, for some reason, have lost that particular gene for that hair colour, retaining the darker colours, and a parculiar silver shade, such as that possessed by Chancellor Travell.

But for some reason, I did not connect this fact with anything until I heard Jacob's fork, which he had been fiddling with, hit the table with a clatter.

"Sam." he murmured, and the force of recognition hit me, leaving me and my symbiote stunned and rather at a loss to even think.

When Jacob got up and started moving decisively towards the pair, I couldn't help but get up and follow. Lantash distantly noted to me later that Osarena didn't even move. Then that blonde head snapped around, and I found myself paralysed. It was only my symbiote's influence that kept us moving under our own power. Samantha stared at us with wide blue eyes that I had never thought would be filled with so much panic at seeing myself. Even after coming out of the influence of her Goa'uld, she had not seemed to terrified.

Her eyes flicked to her father briefly (the same amount of time I later realised she had been staring at me, although it felt like an eternity) and she turned...

And ran.

It startled me in way. She practically flew out of the door as if chased by a platoon of Jaffa as opposed to her father and myself. Her companion, who we now recognised as Narim, whirled and stared at us, bewilderment on his features, as if he wondered how we had come to be there. Then his eyes went to a point behind us, and I suppose he must have been looking at Osarena.

I didn't stay around to find out what happened next. I followed Jacob out of the concord, intent on following and talking to Samantha.

**

Part Two: Narim

**

I did not, as I told the Tok'ra after I left them in the artisan's hands, go to the Curia. Not right away though. There was someone else I had to see first.

Osarena is many things, and although she suffers from perpetually low self-esteem, she is not stupid. So I knew she would have told the person I wanted her to tell who had arrived and to wait for me, and so she would be there when I arrived at the Science Centre, sitting in the lab she spent most of her time in alone, looking like she had been attempting to pick apart her sleeve in her nervousness. She just glanced up at me, not moving, when I entered the room.

"'Rena told me." was all she said for several moments after I entered. After several more moments of drumming her fingertips on the polished metal worksurface, she looked at me again. "Did you...?"

"Tell them where you were?" I finished when she trailed off. I shook my head, giving her a put-upon look intended to lighten her spirits. "Please, Samantha, what do you take me for?"

Samantha looked definitely relieved, giving me a wan smile. It was hardly the dazzling smile I hoped for, but these days, it seems, it's all she can manage. It emphasises how old she looks now; unmarked by time but by experience. "I know... I'm sorry... I just..."

"Was worried they'd come and find you." I finished for her again, pulling up a stool next to her. I could see the display she had abandoned working on, presumably when Osarena told her what was going on. It's display was frozen with mathematical formulas and complex diagrams. As with all Tollan, I have a basic grasps of technological principles beyond anything the Tau'ri possess. But what Samantha worked on was beyond technology, to the realm of pure theory and physics. In that, I could not hope to match her knowledge. As long as she has been able to function enough to work, she has buried herself in this high theory. She did not seem interested in the technology around her, just the stars and how they worked. She once told me it's what she always loved before she ever became known as Earth's expert on alien technology, a science she termed 'astrophysics'. She had the opportunity to study it to her hearts content on Tollana, with all the advanced sensors we possessed at her disposal.

But if she couldn't find her usual solice in her equations, then the knowledge that the Tok'ra were on the planet was disturbing her far more than her outward appearance let on.

I leaned forward, grasping her hand loosely in my own. It felt cool and clammy and she returned none of my grip. "Samantha... your father leads the group that is here."

The panic in her eyes as she looked at me was almost painful. "He does?"

"I thought you had a good relationship with your father." I said, genuine puzzled.

"I do... I just... I don't know. Scared of what he'll think of me." She said softly, and before I could offer a rebuttal that her father does not seem like he thinks poorly of her, she spoke again. "I ran away." Then she paused, looking at me intently. "Who were the others?"

This was a question I was not looking forward to. In the time she was with us, Samantha had told me of her experiences with the Tok'ra, and I knew what they meant to her. "The woman who brought you to us, Erinye," I said, then hesitated, before saying, in something of rush. "And Martouf, host to Lantash."

Samantha groaned audibly, slipping her hand out of my grip to cradle her head in both hands as she leaned forward. "Two of the people I don't want to face."

"Which two?" I asked, tilting my head and affecting an expression of mild puzzlement. "At my count there are..." I made a show of counting on my fingers, and saw a brief smile tug at Samantha's lips. "At least five individuals in their group."

Samantha bowed her head a moment. It wasn't full fledged laughter, more a whispering of amusement, but it was more than enough. I'd seen Samantha so desperately miserable and lonely. It was rather gratifying that she had started to come out of her withdrawn state. My biggest worry was that this appearance of the Tok'ra she had abandoned in her effort to escape from the life that had caused her so much pain.

After a moment, she lifted her head, a faint smile on her face, and looked at me. "Cute." she said, seemingly grateful for the attempt at levity.

I hated to break the moment.

"Samantha." I pulled one of the unused stools from a nearby console and sat down before her, gently taking her hand in my own. I was thankful that Samantha is the only one who spent extended amounts of time in the lab at that time of the late afternoon. Most Tollan had finished for the day, having only to check the sensors to make sure they're operational.

Most Tollan theoretical scientist do not like to spend much time around the actual machines that gather their readings, occupying themselves more in the pure theory, and taking the data around with them and working on them in more comfortable surroundings. I had often wondered whether this meant that Samantha, who often worked in the lab alone, was lonely. But now I was grateful for the quiet.

"While I did not tell them..." I hesitated, plunging onwards. I could see the dread growing on Samantha's face. "They were aware of your presence here. They... demanded to see you."

Samantha was silent for a moment, blinking down at her hand clasped in my own. Then, after a moment, she stood up, pulling her hand away with a hissed, "God." and started to pace around. Eventually, she stopped and faced me. "How did they find out?" Then she plunged on, without bothering to wait for my answer of ignorance. "Erinye. It must have been her. She's the only one that knew. How... how could she do this?"

And she collapsed back onto the stool with a dull thud, staring at the floor, looking dejected. I wanted to reach out to her again, but I did not think that my touch would be welcomed. So I held myself still.

"I don't know how they found out." I said, trying to be gentle. "It's possible that they found out through means other than Erinye confessing to your location."

"Really." Samantha said bitterly, fixing me with a look. "Then why else would they bring her here as well?"

For that, I had no answer. I looked away, only glancing back towards her when I heard her sigh and slump against the console.

"You don't have to see them." I said to her softly, continuing only when she glanced up at me. "We live in a large city. Chances are, they'll never find you."

"This place isn't large by Earth standards." Samantha said, a wry smile on her face.

"But large for a civilisation that only arrived here a few years ago." I reminded her. It was an old argument between us, one guaranteed to elicit good natured teasing in other circumstances. But not now. "You need to eat." I said, changing the subject. "Come with me to dinner this evening. They won't find you. We'll use one of the concords away from their accomodation. I'll even invite Osarena." I knew the two of them got along. And I thought that Samantha could use all the friends she could get.

It was a measure of her temperament that Samantha didn't put up an argument, simply agreeing and turning back to her console and her equations with a comment about seeing me later on. I took that as a tacit dismissal, and left.

**

I still had to see the Curia, but I knew that Osarena would have started work on the Tok'ra's transmitter anyway, without waiting for approval. It is the best method of getting things done, after all. If she /had/ waited for approval from the Curia, then it would take twice as long to get anything done. She was sitting in a technical work centre, a few buildings away from the main theoretical centre, where Samantha was based. I didn't go there often, not many of my rank did, but I, like others, did go when there was a specific person to see.

And I had become accustomed to the slightly disgusted looks from some of the Technicians. Most regard those of us who don't work in the technical centre as arrogant and decadent. It was rather hard to agree with their mindset to see them, some still with dirty grease on their clothing of faces, hair ruffled and askew, fingers calloused, and many of them obviously myopic from working so close to their own faces. Most avoided me, and I had to say I was slightly relieved for that.

I came upon Osarena in a small workshop, much busier and bustling than the one I had left Samantha in. The metallic surfaces were covered in parts of all kinds, works in progress, and I eventually found Osarena by the far wall, attempting to get a reading on the state of the transmitter through the crystalline material the Tok'ra had managed to cover it with. Unlike her colleagues, she graced me with a sunny smile as I approached.

"Come to check up on me?" she asked, starting to chat away in her own inimicable fashion. She paused and took a bite out of the snack that was sitting on a plate next to her. I didn't know then, and still don't know now, how she managed to stay so slim with the amount of food she ate. Probably all the crawling through conduits kept her slim. Now /there/ was a job I wouldn't want.

"Well," she continued, not waiting for my response. "You'll have to wait longer. I don't know what they did to this thing, but it's completely destroyed. No useable components. All seems to have been converted to a sort of polycrystalline matrix. Bizarre. But I'd like to get my hands on what did this. Out of curiosity."

"How long will we have to wait?" I asked. The sooner it was corrected, after all, the sooner the Tok'ra would leave, and the sooner that Samantha would no longer feel threatened.

"Til tomorrow. Maybe the day after. We have to replace this. And then retune the new received to the frequencies this one was designed to receive." She tapped a calloused finger on the crystal, creating a dull thud and drawing attention to the extremely short, to the point of being non-existent, nails she possessed. Workers hands. "We have to extract the data from this unit. Which is going to require... inventiveness." she said, with the smile of someone given a challenge they relish.

"As long as it is done." I said, then raised my head slightly. "I came to invite you to dinner this evening. With Samantha and myself. I believe she could use the company."

At the time I saw nothing in Osarena's features to make me suspicious, but on later reflection, there was a flicker in her expression, as if something had crossed her mind, and she tried to fight whatever it was to keep from showing on her face.

"That'd be nice." She said after a moment. "But I really need to finish my work here." She hesitated. "Tell you what. I'll meet you down there. You can go and start without me. Probably won't be too hungry." She said, gesturing at her snack with a smile.

"Excellant." I said, "We will probably be there at seven." I started to head out.

I barely caught Osarena's distant, "Yes. See you there."

**

The Curia were quick to give their permission to replace the Tok'ra transceiver, saying that work should begin post-haste. I just smiled, knowing how Osarena, well used to dealing with our government, had anticipated their request and already begun work. However, while they were quick to give permission once aware of it, getting to see a Curia representative highly ranked enough in the Off-World Diplomacy division to give the order was far more problematic. I got the permission to replace the transceiver, and a quiet word about Samantha's discomfiture at the situation. The man simply bobbed his head hurriedly and told me to do what I thought best without ruining diplomatic relations. By the time I was finished, it was time to meet Samantha and head towards one of the technical concords, where dinner was being served to those who worked in the Technical and Scientific Centres. It wasn't one of the more attractive ones, it had to be said, with mainly grey permacrete for wall and floor decoration. While the rest of the city had gradually undergone a slow amelioration of its appearance as the Tollan people settled into their new home, the Technical Workers claimed they were too busy to do their regions themselves. At one point, they had asked for Artisans to assist, but they all claimed they had more important projects that needed doing in more visible areas of the city.

And so the technical areas remained austere and utilitarian. Not my personal favourite place, with the only colour provided by the odd plant, but Samantha felt safe there, and often took her food on that particular concord. Plus, it was a good distance from the Tok'ra lodgings that they would not simply 'stumble' upon it.

While we walked, Samantha and I chatted about minor, trivial things. I went along with it, wanting not to burden her. We spoke of her work, of my work, of the rather interesting comet she had observed shortly before lunch, until we got caught up in the slight crush of people who all seemed to descend upon the technical concord at once, probably having just come off-shift.

Samantha was just laughing at some minor joke I had made regarding the actions of one of my coworkers that morning, when she suddenly stiffened jerking her head around to look at something, before she started edging away, the sheer volume of people impeding her movement.

"Samantha?" I asked, momentarily confused.

"They're here." she managed to croak out, before turning and simply forcing her way through the crowd, causing a few startled and hapless bystanders to yell loudly in protest. It took me a moment to work out what she meant, but when I caught sight of the two beige-clad figures making their way in my direction, obviously intent on persuing Samantha.

It wasn't them I was looking at, however, when I saw Osarena sitting by herself, two empty plates next to her, and I knew what had happened. Half the food on her plate was still present, and she was picking at it distracted. As the Tok'ra passed me, Jacob gave me a contemptable look, before proceeding to ignore me and chase after his daughter, Martouf in tow. I wasn't paying them any more attention though. Ignoring the confused chatter of those around me about what was going on, I strode over to Osarena, who was looking as if she were getting ready to flee the scene.

"Why?" I demanded as I got closer, leaning down on the table to glare at her.

"Because." she said, refusing to look me in the eye. "They needed to see her."

"That's not why you brought them here and you know it." Actually, for all I knew at the time, that could have been a perfectly valid explanation for her actions.

"I don't have to explain anything to you." Osarena said, getting to her feet, dropping her fork to the table, where it landed with a clatter of metal against metal. She started to turn away to leave, but I grabbed her arm before she could step away.

"Ow! Let go of me!" Her yell attracted the attention of those around us, and I strode to keep my voice low as I spoke to her.

"Not until you explain why... /how/ you could do that to her." I insisted, staring into her eyes.

She seemed to wilt. In the manner of a plant left untended for a long period of time. "Because you're in love with an angel." she whispered throatily. "And I can't compete with that."

I was so stunned that I couldn't stop her from twisting her arm out of my grip and running away through the myriad of tables. I just stared after her, before realising that the people whose attention had been caught were still staring at me. Trying not to appear too embarrassed, I turned and headed in the direction of Samantha's apartments, knowing that the Tok'ra would be able to track her there with ease.

I had a feeling she'd be needing a friend.

**

I arrived at Samantha's apartments in time to find Samantha trying to eject them from her apartment, her face streaked with tears and looking on the verge of physically collapsing. The Tok'ra stood before her, in similarly distraught states. Neither of them, however, in tears, merely looking anguished at whatever they were failing to communicate to her.

I had heard shouting as I came down the hallway, and drew my own conclusions.

"Is there I problem here?" I asked, loudly. I did not shout, but I didn't want them to ignore me.

Jacob barely turned to look at me as I stood in the door. "No. There's no problem."

"Good." I said, stepping forward and around them to stand next to Samantha, facing opposite both of them. "Because on Tollana, there are laws about offworlders harrassing our citizens."

There was a few tense moments where the Tok'ra merely stood glaring at us. Then Jacob spun on his heel, stalking out of the door, Martouf close behind him, slamming the door closed behind them. Beside me, I could feel Samantha shaking, and her shaking suddenly increase as they left the room, as if her control had suddenly deserted her in their wake.

I turned to her and didn't say anything as I put my arms around her. After a moment, she relaxed, putting her head on my shoulder and a second later, she started sobbing openly. I let her do so until she seemed to have cried herself out for the moment, then steered her towards the nearby sofa.

"What did they say to you?" I asked softly, when she had regained her composure somewhat, handing over a glass of water that she must have left standing on the table before she started work. She gulped at it for a moment before answering.

"They wanted answers. Answers that I can't give them." She said, her voice shaky. The hand holding the glass shook violently, threatening to spill what little water was in the container. I took it from her gently and put it on the table again. "I can't deal with them." she said, her voice barely audible.

I leaned forward, clasping her hand gently. "I can have security remove them immediately. You'd be within your rights to demand it." Due to her residence on our world, and the fact that she was remaining for the foreseeable future, the Curia had decided, after her arrival, to allow to her citizen status. And as a citizen, Samantha could demand protection from the security forces against harrassment. "We can send someone along with their transceiver array at a later date."

Samantha looked at me, swiping at her face to try and remove the tear stains that streaked it. "No." She said brusquely. "Let them stay and get their new device. Osarena told me it'll be ready in a day or two." I tried not to stiffen, recalling Osarena's betrayal, of which Samantha was clearly unaware. I didn't enlighten her. "Just... keep them away until then." she said viciously.

I agreed. What else could I do?

**

Osarena was in the Technical Centre when I went to find her several hours later, after comforting Samantha and taking time to regain my temper. She sat there with the Tok'ra transmitter in her hands, attempting to scan it. Apparently the scanner was giving her trouble, as she swore after a moment, whacked it on the table surface, and then dropped it, raising her hand to her forehead and rubbing it over her face, looking exhausted.

I wasn't feeling very inclined to be sympathetic. But I knew I had to speak to her.

I knocked into a table accidentally as I crossed the abandoned lab, the resulting noise causing her to jump and clutch a hand to her chest, staring at me without a word.

"I didn't think you'd want to speak to me." She said, after the silence had stretched on for several moments. Her voice was hushed, as if she was afraid of breaking that same silence. "Ever again." she added, her voice trailing off into nothingness.

"Why?" I asked, coming to a stop on the opposite side of the workbench to her.

"Because of what I did." she answered, before raising a hand to forestall me speaking as I opened my mouth. "I know that's not what I mean. My sense of humour has always had inappropriate timing." She took a deep breath. "Because of a sense of jealousy maybe? Because I think she really does need to make it up with her father and her friends?" She paused, then focussed all her attention on the crystallised transceiver. "Maybe because she has you?"

She dropped the scanner with a loud bang. "I... I should go." She started, and tried to head out.

"Don't." I'd said the word without meaning to do so. She stopped just having brushed past me, intent on going out of the door.

"Why?" she asked, slowly turning back to me. I could see tears glimmering in her dark eyes, threatening to spill over. "Narim, I just hurt one of my best friends. I've hurt someone you're in love with. Give me a good reason why I shouldn't leave now and ask to be reassigned to the western continent."

"I just..." I didn't know what to say to her. What she'd done was... unforgiveable. But I didn't want her to go.

"Don't blame me? Would miss me?" Osarena shook her head, tears starting to trickle down her face. I'd faced a lot of tears that night. "I think we'd know how how true that is."

She turned away, leaning on a nearby bench.

"When..." I started, wondering why I was asking her these questions. But I knew if I didn't ask them now, they'd never be answered. "How long have you..."

Osarena turned back to me slowly. "Been in love with you?" she finished. I nodded.

She took a deep breath, biting her lip and seeming to try and calm herself enough to speak. "Since before we left Tolla." She responded eventually, and somewhat shakily. "I was on the last transports, remember? And you told me you were staying behind. I know why you didn't tell me. I probably would have volunteered for the same mission. Everyone knew it was brave. Staying behind to seal the Gate. And how everyone was worried, almost certain the team would never return. I... reached out and..." She mimiced her gesture to me that night, reaching up to me and running her fingers over my cheek. We were best friends at the time, and I knew how much my decision hurt her. As well as my decision not to tell her. By then, her posting was set, she was needed on the last transport as communications technician. She had stared at me much as she was now, with tears in her eyes I knew had nothing to do with the acrid fumes in the atmosphere. Something had passed between us, but... I didn't realise what until that moment.

Suddenly Osarena snatched her hand away, clutching it to her midsection. "And then I realised I loved you." she admitted quietly, dropping her gaze to the floor and more tears fell. "And a few days later you met Samantha. The moment you arrived on Tollana, and the team was debriefed, I knew... knew that I'd... lost any chance I had."

I couldn't help myself, I reached up and put my hand under her chin, tilting her head upwards. She still wouldn't look at me. "Why didn't you tell me then?" My own voice had lowered in volume, as if with her revelation, it was inappropriate to speak at all loudly, even as my hand cupped her cheek.

Her eyes snapped up to meet mine, red with crying. "Because I thought... I couldn't tell you if you were about to die. I couldn't tell you that and then just lose you!" Her voice rose with anguish. "And if you survived... well, then we had time! Time enough..." She faltered again. "Well. I was wrong, wasn't I?"

"Oh, 'Rena." I murmured, stroking her face with my thumb. She closed her eyes for a moment, and a saw a split second of peace come over her features, before she shook her head, face scrunched up, and fresh tears fell.

"D-Don't." She pulled back, having to exert some force to extricate herself from my grip. I hadn't realised that I'd put a hand on her waist while we had been standing so close. "Go to Samantha." she said, her eyes welling up again. "She probably needs you."

And she fled the room, the sound of her crying echoing oddly down the empty corridor.

I didn't go to Samantha. I went home, and stayed there until morning.

**

Part Three: Samantha

**

My name is Samantha Carter. And my life is a living hell.

Oh, I suppose my 'living hell' is a bit different than some other people's 'living hell'. Some are stuck in abusive relationships, some are starving, some are stuck under oppressive governments, some are imprisoned for crimes they've committed. All depends on your point of view, I suppose.

Well, from my point of view, life's about as hellish as it gets.

I don't suppose you can understand why I think that unless you've gone through what I've gone through. I had almost... /almost/ come to terms with Jolinar and her taking me over. At least them I'd only knocked a few people unconscious, threatened my friends and almost got killed before being left with a few thousand years worth of knowledge and memory.

And then I was captured in a mission. Or rather, I was killed during a mission, placed in a sarcophagus and used as the new host for a mass-murdering bitch queen from hell who had a penchant for tall dark guys willing to do pretty much anything to satisfy her (and believe me, some of those memories have kept me awake with a mixture of disgust and... disturbingly erotic thoughts) herself the Goddess Anqet who had simply grown tired of having a host with black hair and felt like going blonde.

Bitch.

One day, a rather bizarre thought came over me. I wondered for a moment, thinking back to the day I had first met Martouf and the Tok'ra as Samantha, and thought back to the off-hand and rather thoughtless comment that Martouf had made. About me being a host for Selmak. If I had agreed to host Selmak then I wouldn't have been sent on /that/ mission, and I wouldn't have been captured and used as a Goa'uld host.

But then I realised that, no, that was selfish and doing that would have meant that my dad would have died of cancer, and that's not something I wanted.

But it was a nice fantasy for a while. What would have happened if one of the most horrific experiences in my life hadn't happened.

I sure as hell wouldn't have wound up on Tollana.

No point wondering I suppose. That way leads madness and sleepless nights. Not that I don't have both of those already.

And one thing you do when you have a lot of sleepless nights is try and forget. Try and clear your mind of those thoughts that swirl around in a maelstrom of memories and past experiences. So when I was confronted with two of those memories, sitting in the technical centre's concord, staring at me as if they'd just seen a ghost, I did what any sane person would have done.

I ran like mad. And didn't look back.

I saw a few of my fellows from the technical centre, and one or two of them called out in confusion, asking what was wrong. I didn't answer; just kept running towards my apartment building, hearing the thump of Tok'ra footsteps on the concrete ground behind me. To be honest, running was fairly pointless. With symbiote-enhanced speed and endurance, they could have easily caught up with me, but I got the feeling they were waiting until we were somewhere a little more private before having what I knew was going to be an unpleasant 'discussion'. My thoughts were confirmed when they didn't catch up to me until I reached the door to my apartment.

"Sam, please." My dad, placing his hand in the way of the door to prevent it from closing. Martouf hung back, glancing down the corridor as if worrying about getting caught. I would have worried if I were him. Considering that Tollana is such a peaceful world (or maybe because of that peacefulness), its security forces are remarkably eager to do their job. They jump at the chance for some actual violence. That was always a source of amusement for me.

"Just go away..." I said, stepping away from the door and heading into my lounge, not looking back to see if they obeyed my wishes and went back to whatever world they came from. No such luck. They followed me inside the apartment, but kept their distance from me for the moment.

"Sam, talk to us." Dad, again. He stepped closer, just bringing himself short of resting a hand on my shoulder. "That's all we want to do: talk."

"Really." I said dully, turning away. "Fine. Talk. Then go away. And don't let the door hit you on the way out."

"Samantha," is was Lantash, sounding less like the commanding presence I recall, and more nervous and uncertain than I recalled seeing him before. "Was it... was it the Tok'ra? Did we not take care of you in the proper manner? Was it us?"

What was I supposed to tell him? That all the kindness and caring that he and the Tok'ra showed to me made me feel unable to stand being in their presence any longer. That the tingling sensation I got from each of their symbiotes made me physically ill, and still did?

"No, it wasn't that, it was..." I dropped onto my couch, resting my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. "God..." I just about breathed it, and wished that the couch would just open up and swallow me.

"Then tell us." Selmak. Were only the symbiotes going to confront me? The ones who would never /ever/ understand how /violated/ I felt? I felt my dad's body sitting on the couch beside me. "Please."

"You don't understand." I snapped, jumping to my feet and starting to pace away from them. "None of you can understand. Especially you Selmak, Lantash. You just don't."

"Then tell us." Martouf, his symbiote deferring in an obvious attempt to appease me. It just infuriated me.

"Give me one good reason why." I hissed at him, and he blanched.

"Well..." he started, and then trailed off, having apparently not been able to think of one.

"Because we're family." That was Dad, speaking for all of them.

Such a sentiment brought a sting of tears to my eyes. Family? I hadn't experienced that in a long time. Were the four of them here my family? Because two of them weren't even from my species. I remember something Teal'c said once after hearing the 'don't choose our family, we choose our friends' phrase on Earth: "We do not choose our family, but they will still be there long after 'friends' have betrayed us.". He counted SG1 among his family, he told me. Did I count the Tok'ra as my family? Jolinar did. But then I have a slight problem with knowing which memories and feelings are mine.

"Please, don't ask me to explain." I said, angrily swiping at my face as I felt tears rolling down my cheeks and dampening my collar.

Dad's mouth turned in a slight sad and humourous smile. "Don't tell us we were that horrible to you."

"No..." I whispered, shaking my head and staring out of the window at the Tollan city that was starting to shift into early evening. The sky turning the short of perfect dusky red that could only be generated on a world where everything was regulated. I'd seen a hundred such sunsets since arriving on Tollana. They seem to be a speciality of the planet.

"I just couldn't take it any more." I turned away from the city and towards them again, arms wrapped around myself. "Do you think I wanted to have my life screwed up one way and down the other? Well, that's pretty much what happened."

"I can't imagine what it must have been like," Martouf said, slowly approaching as if worried that I'd bite. "I don't pretend to. But all we want is to help."

"Help." I repeated bitterly. "Is that why you came here? To 'help' me? You should have stayed on Vorash or wherever it is where you are now." I turned away again, staring out over the city. "I think I'm a little beyond that."

"We only wanted to make sure you were alright." Lantash this time.

"Fine. You came. I'm alright. Now go."

"No." Lantash snapped, and my head turned sharply towards him at his tone. "Because you're very obviously not alright."

I tried to dispel the reaction his words created. "No shit."

"Come back with us." Dad said, stepping forward slowly. "You have a place among us. We all understand what it's like to have thoughts in your head that aren't your own. Better than anyone else in the universe."

A lump came to my throat. I tried to swallow past it.

"Just let me ask you this," He asked carefully. "Are you happy here?"

That was more than I could take.

"Just get out, both of you!" I couldn't help it, I shouted, tears flowing freely now. "Get out!!"

"Is there a problem here?"

It was Narim, standing in the doorway looking as cross as he was ever likely to get.

"No." Dad answered, not even looking at him. "There's no problem."

All I wanted them to do was leave, and leave they did. But at that moment, I wished that I had stayed dead on that mission with SG1 all that time ago, when Anqet had captured me, as I had so many times before.

**

Less than an hour after everyone had cleared out of my home, and I was lying on my couch, a damp cloth over my eyes to try and reduce the puffiness that had confronted me when I had dared look in the mirror. I also had a bottle of a rather potent alcoholic drink native to Tollana that seemed to be a sort of refined fruit juice sitting on the table, but hadn't been able to bring myself to start drinking it just yet.

Didn't mean I wasn't going to.

Then the door chimed. I just groaned quietly and tried to ignore it. I'd had my fill of visitors for the evening. After I didn't respond to the chimes, the person at my door gave up on that and switched to simply pounding on the door, causing it to rattle in its frame.

"Samantha!" It was Erinye. I felt my jaw clenching and tried to muffle the sound of her voice with two decorative cushions that I'd been resting my head on.

"Samantha, please!" The cushions weren't working. Maybe if I threw myself out of the window...

"Samantha, I didn't tell them." Erinye's voice was less strident, more pleading. "Please believe me."

I rolled off the couch and got to my feet, stomping over to the door and flinging the cloth I had been holding to the floor. I pulled it open and looked at her. "Then how did they know?"

Erinye seemed to wilt, or her silhouette did has she stood with the bright light of the hallway illuminated her. "They guessed." she hesitated. "When I told them not to go to Tollana."

I closed my eyes briefly. "I don't have time for this. You of /all/ people, Erinye." And I moved to close the door on her.

She held out her hand, stopping it from shutting. "Please. Just hear me out."

I stared at her a moment, then muttered, "Fine" and stepped back inside my apartment so she could enter.

"I heard what happened," she said as she followed me in, taking a seat on one of the chairs in the lounge as I retook my seat on the couch. "Hard not to." she continued when I didn't say anything. "None of those four were happy when they got back."

"How'd they let you leave?" I couldn't help asking. I was curious.

"Snuck out the window." Erinye answered, leaning forward to open the bottle of alcohol and sniff it, before coughing sharply. "I hope you've not been drinking this alone."

I narrowed my eyes on her. "Well actually..."

"Good. Because good alcohol should never be drunk alone. Got another glass? Oh, it doesn't matter." And she was pouring a drink into the glass I'd already set on the table, before taking a swig directly from the bottle herself. She coughed reflexively. "For a people who dress all in grey, they have surprisingly remarkable taste in alcohol." she said, once she could get her breath back.

"Surprising people." is all I said in response, and took a sip of the fruity drink. It burned on the way down, and I fought down a cough.

"So you're glad you came?" she asked, taking another swig.

I remember the day I left the Tok'ra as clearly as if it were yesterday. That's one thing about having two symbiotes. Or even one. The neurological changes inflicted by the symbiosis have left me with a vastly improved memory. Something I've often considered more a curse than a blessing. She had asked me where I wanted to go, and of all the places I could have suggested, I said Tollana.

Maybe it was the memory of that little box I left sitting on my dresser back on Earth. The simple, uncomplicated feelings of caring and affection that Narim had offered me that day. And whenever I'd seen him. He'd never pressured me, never made me feel ambiguous. I wanted that simplicity back. And so I went. In that respect, I got what I wanted.

But deep down... I always wished that Narim had pushed a little more... perhaps helped me with some of the horrid crap I'd gone through. Instead of being so damned kind and respectful by following my wishes and backing off when I asked him to.

"It's lonely." I answered truthfully.

"Ah." Erinye said and was silent for a moment. Then she held out the bottle again. "More?"

I glanced down. When had I finished the glass off? "Please." I said, holding it out for a refill. Once it had a respectable amount of the bright yellow liquid in it again, I took a sip and continued without making a conscious decision to do so. "I mean, I suppose I should be happy. No one bothers me, I have my work, access to technology I couldn't even had dreamed about back on Earth, people who care about me..." Even if I'd given them little reason to care. When I first arrived, I barely spoke to anyone outside the councillor Narim insisted I talk to, the one time he actually got forceful.

"And that's not enough?" Erinye asked.

"It should be." I responded, sighing and leaning back in my seat, closing my eyes. "Why isn't it?"

"I don't know." Erinye answered, shaking her head and absently wiping her mouth with the back of her hands after the yellow fluid spilled out over her lips. "Stuck in your head with three different voices? Maybe you don't have anyone to remind you of who you are anymore."

"How... philosophical of you." I responded.

She smirked, waving a hand dismissively. "I've had enough time to think about this. I'm probably the only person in the universe who'll understand what you're going through."

Let's review: both of us had our Tok'ra symbiotes die within us, and then were taken over by Goa'uld who were later removed but managed to inflict lasting psychological damage on us.

"Let's here it for us mental screw-ups." I said, raising my glass in a mock toast.

"Haven't you ever thought of going home?" she asked, after a few quiet moments of drinking. "Back to Earth I mean."

"I couldn't if I wanted to." I said, staring at the liquid in my glass. "I don't have a GDO."

"Yes, but if you did..." Erinye repeated, eyeing me thoughtfully.

I sighed. "I don't know. It's home but... people understand me even less than people do out here. At least out here in the big wide galaxy, me telling someone that I've been taken over by aliens twice, and that's why I'm mentally screwed won't get me thrown into an asylum." I paused, thinking back to Earth. "But it's home." I finished quietly.

"Yes." Erinye responded thoughtfully, tapping her lips with her fingers. "No place like home." She sighed softly. "Sometimes I miss my world so hard it's all I can do not to cry."

"Why don't you go back?"

She gave me an amused look. "Because it was destroyed thirty years ago and won't be inhabitable for another fifty?"

"Ah. Sorry." I said, somewhat lamely and feeling embarrassed. I realised I'd finished off another glass.

There was a silence as Erinye took another drink. This time when she took the bottle away, there was an expression of distaste on her features. "This is disgusting." she said, pulling a face.

"Tell me about it." I'd drunk it before after all. Not exactly the tastiest thing in the world, but it could get you drunk quickly. The only thing faster that I knew of was absinthe. Oddly enough, the Tollan had their own version of that as well.

"More?" Erinye extended the bottle again.

"Please."

**

When it came time for them to leave, I stood there watching them. I don't know what possessed me to go, God knows I didn't want to expose myself to the crap they'd put me through again, but I went anyway. Maybe it was to make sure they actually left the planet (although I had no doubt that the somewhat overzealous Tollan security forces would ensure they departed).

Maybe I just needed to see them. But I couldn't bring myself to speak to them as I stood in the courtyard in which the Stargate stood, waiting for them to take a single step through a wormhole and across the galaxy and out of my life once more.

Osarena wasn't there, which surprised me. I knew she'd been the one to fix the transmitter and she would have been well within her rights to present it to the Tok'ra. Instead, Narim was there alone, hands closed around the new transceiver. The freshly fabricated device still shined with an unscathed metallic sheen in the morning sunlight. When I asked him where she was, he just gave me an uncharacteristically stony look, and then turned away, refusing to meet my eyes again, muttering something about her not turning up and looking fairly sour about it all. I couldn't say that I exactly knew what was going on. In spite of the societal split on Tollana, they had always seemed to be fairly good friends.

But if he didn't want to talk about it, fine. I had my own problems, and they were rapidly approaching the arching entryway to the courtyard.

Dad gave Narim a fairly belligerent glare as he, Martouf and Erinye reached us, a glare I recognised from years of boyfriends that failed to meet my fathers approval. Narim seemed unruffled, distant even, as he held out the transceiver and said, somewhat brusquely, "Your transceiver has been replaced and this new one calibrated for your usage."

He held out the small silver device towards Martouf, who gestured imperiously (leading me to believe that is was really Lantash - the gesture was more him than Martouf) towards Erinye, who stepped forward and took it, sliding it into a belt pouch of soft felt-like material. As the dark-skinned woman fastened the pouch, she glanced upwards and gave me a soft sympathetic smile, and I felt my lips twitch into a response of their own accord. I certainly didn't feel like smiling.

Dad turned to me, proceeding to ignore both Narim's presence and his frown of disapproval at him. "Come with us, Sam." he said, his face and his touch as he gently rested his hands on my upper arms screaming sympathetic understanding. I clenched my fingers tightly together as I folded my hands in front of me, but I didn't shrug him off. I didn't see the sympathy at the time, all I could see was the pity. And one thing I didn't need was someone else's pity.

I blinked back tears that sprang unexpectedly to my eyes, and refused to meet his own, as he gently repeated, "Please," gently, reassuringly squeezing my arms.

"I... I can't." I said, somewhat weakly. I couldn't look at him, or at Martouf, whose expression was filled with such hurt it brought a lump to my throat. All I could think of was... how dare they make me feel so guilty? And so I fixed my eyes on the group of artisans working dilligently on the courtyard mural, pretending not to pay any attention to the scene that was enfolding near them. Eventually, I felt Dad's hands dropping away, leaving me feeling oddly cold.

For a moment, I nearly turned back to him as he stood there for a few moments longer, waiting for a response. Almost threw my arms around him and begged him to take me with him. Just... to get rid of this horribly aching ambiguous mix of lonliness and the knowledge that I'm never alone even with my own thoughts that had existed inside me for over a year.

I said nothing, just wrapped my arms around myself and shivered.

And so my father turned away from me, and I tried to shrink further inside the lightweight hooded grey cloak I had donned that morning against the light spring breeze produced by the Tollan weather control net.

I could hear Narim saying something to the effect of a diplomatic 'so long and see ya' as he moved towards the console (little more than a glorified keyboard with Stargate glyphs rather than letters) that served as the Tollana 'Gate's DHD. Dad responded with something similar, the pair of them resorting to the highly formal diplomatic language that just seemed to excerbate the icy air that seemed to have settled over them.

As I heard the cheeps of Narim tapping the address of a Tok'ra world in, I suddenly heard the Stargate chevrons lightly up out of synch with what he was typing in, and I turned back towards the group, holding my position but watching them and the Stargate intently.

"What's going on?" Dad asked, looking worriedly between Narim and the 'Gate. Martouf looked like he wished he could be reaching for a weapon at that moment. I knew the Tok'ra were wary of /any/ off-world activation. Somewhat like Earth. The Tollans weren't as concerned. Two deceptively decorative obelisks standing next to the 'Gate housed the Tollan weapons deactivation technology, that could be activated by the security forces monitoring the 'Gate at all times. And without their weapons, any would-be attackers would have to resort to fists and nasty glares against trigger-happy security goons who don't get nearly enough live target practice.

"It's an incoming wormhole." Narim said, practicing the faintly smug serenity that all the Tollan possess when faced with nervy more 'primative' races.

Out of habit, I watched which glyphs lit up. The Tollan 'Gate was slightly different than other Stargates. Most receiving Stargates simply lit up and activate when receiving a wormhold. The Tollan version of the same device indicates which address is the originator of the wormhole. As I watched the glyphs, I felt cold. I recognised the address.

How could I not? I'd punched them into DHD's all over the galaxy time and time again.

I didn't run. Which was a really bad idea.

The wormhole burst into life, and I saw my father and Martouf automatically drawing themselves into vaguely defensive stances, ready to scatter and hide as the Tok'ra are adept at doing like no other. Odd. I never noticed that before. Amazing the sort of perspective you can gain from two extra lifetimes of knowledge.

And four figures stepped out. Four figures I never expected to see again.

SG1.

"... nice world. Nice people. Little smug. Great technology. You'll like them, Harrison." It was Jack, obviously giving an overview of his opinion of Tollana to the fourth member of the team, a woman I didn't recognise. Short cropped black hair obviously dyed an artificial red peeked out from under her cap as the woman twisted her head to glance at O'Neill, mouth curving into a slight smile.

"Yes, sir." she said, in an undertone.

Then Jack caught sight of us, standing by the DHD. I know he didn't see me straight away, shrouded as I was in light grey material, and standing behind and slightly to the side of the small group.

"Hey guys. Wasn't expecting a welcome committee. There goes the surprise visit..." And his voice trailed off as he saw me. It wasn't physically possible to make myself smaller, but I wished there were at that moment. This was worse than when I'd caught sight of my Dad and Martouf, sitting there, staring at me.

"Sam?" Daniel had obviously caught sight of me, from his slightly stunned question, and Teal'c grasp of his staff weapon had slackened. The woman, Harrison, just looked confused, glancing between someone who she obviously thought of as an alien woman, and her teammates.

There was utter silence as the Tok'ra and Narim froze, staring at the team as if willing them to go away again. My old teammates just stood there, staring at me. Examining me with their eyes. Then Erinye spoke, her voice filled with dawning realisation.

"Oh that's right. We never told them you were still alive."

-End